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for us [Oct. 19th, 2009|12:46 am]
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

I will do everything and anything. for you I only want the same love and happiness you give me every day in knowing you. I regret nothing, and will love you always no matter what.
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pandemics and things [May. 2nd, 2009|07:10 pm]
[Current Mood |productiveproductive]
[Current Music |Starfucker - Rawnald Gregory Erickson the Second]

I am one like a million.

Travelling to Europe for the first time and living off nothing will be one of the most amazing experiences of my life to date I am sure, and I am soooo ready for it to be brought.

I have been told there is a new Death Cab album, and the truth is I am very excited about this and don’t care how much this might make me lose friends.

Also, I am very ready for the weather to shape up and let me own these roads via bicycle. The time has come.

I have spoken. 


Does anyone know of clubs in town looking for DJ work currently? Help a brother out.
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things will get better [Nov. 6th, 2008|03:46 pm]
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

 I am ok with waiting.
For you, I could wait forever.
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(no subject) [Nov. 4th, 2008|12:15 pm]
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]

It cannot be said enough, just how much I absolutely loathe phones right now. It would be easier to be without them, and just imagine you have not called me since you left because you are unable to reach me while away at sea maybe?  yes. that works. works enough for me until you get back.

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(no subject) [Sep. 27th, 2008|07:45 pm]

Despite everything,

I never once stopped believing in us. Never stopped the trust and love I have for you, something I hold for close to no one else in this world. Trust has always been my biggest vice. I lack faith in most everything, and everyone, and in time, I was able to have complete faith in you, something I have never been able to accomplish ever really. Does this mean anything to you?

When you tell me you see yourself as alone in this world, do you know how much that just makes me want to give up everything I had built in knowing you? In getting over a similar feeling of being alone? But that was months ago now. It all is gone, all lack of faith, all worry, all because of the love and faith I had in you and still have . that’s why without ever second guessing I  just knew and felt similar understanding of you for me. that’s how maybe now you can understand my shock, my hurt, and my complete sadness in hearing you say the opposite since months have passed and I have recovered from that feeling… why are you still there?

 I would drop everything and anything for you because I always knew and felt that you would do the same for me. I would wait for you forever, be with you forever, if you wanted, and I felt you would want the same of me too. I sincerely felt you did, and still do, which is why now I find myself more depressed than I have felt in some time.

I am confused, and wonder if I should let go when you say that you can’t believe in me too, when everything said and done said otherwise until now, a whole year later. We were unstoppable, and still are, I just don’t know why you would give up on me, when I know I will never give up on you.

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thoughts/lines for the day: [Jul. 2nd, 2008|10:10 pm]
[Current Mood |thankfulthankful]

" I love puppies"
"you are a puppy (you say)"
"I should have a studio space to live in by the end of the month! woot!"
"I am so pumped and ready for training -  Uoh!"
"hooray to baking coconut macaroons"
"damn straight I am tuff!"
"you make me feel beautiful"
"you are giving me this delicious loaf of bread and this energy drink for free? thanks!" 
"nice. fucking. bike"
"the beer at silverpeak is enjoyable, though also pricey"
"how the hell did I get buzzed off of only one beer? ZOMG!"
"if I could, I would give your whole house a hug, for it is the house of love and merriment"
"screen print 80s shirts from the mall make me look forward to parties for the summer"
"get there fast, then take it slow"
"dance. dance. dance. dance."
"beach house's music still makes me want to be near the ocean, but also near the ocean with you"
"I like making new friends that happen to be 20 years older than me, but also happen to be rad"
"racoon, stand down when crossing my path in the evening. just staring at me like that can really make me nervous considering you are as big as I am"
"oh evening walks in the summer, how I love you so!"
"bitch, I win, you lose"
"please do not float over my computer and invade my personal space. thank you and good night"
"there is soooo much more of that where that came from"
"by macaroons, I hope you mean sex"
"when do I not mean sex?"
"ice cream = the best thing ever"

"take me with you"

today was a great day. troof.

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don't forget [Jun. 26th, 2008|10:08 pm]
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]

I was looking for no one, and I wanted nothing. 
It was my new start of no plans, no obligations, a means of moving on,
but it was your love that brought me here.

You were the one who found me by coincidence.
You wanted to you take me in, and I resisted at first, but you made me feel safer and more loved than I have ever felt before.

How could I turn away? How could I ignore something so beautiful, so perfect, so sincere?
Anyone else would have ran away, and others (most even) advised that I should, but you asked me to stay, and you made me feel safe, loved, protected...
so here I am now, completely yours.

Don't forget this ever. 
You brought me here.

Remember this, stay here with me, 
I am yours.
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Plans for the Summer [Jun. 23rd, 2008|03:17 pm]
[Current Mood |cheerfulcheerful]

Firstly and most importantly, I need to be moving out of shitty apartment with crazy ass creep roommate
once this is done, I then shall conquer it all! 

Camping in Eastern Nevada at natural hot springs
Square Dancing in D&S Bar outside of Great Basin National Park
Bike Tour Training (first, conquering Colin Ranch hill ascent, and then Virginia City ascent)
Marathon Training (this might have to wait for the fall with my marathon class...)
Lots of soccer playing
Lots of dancing (Salsa, Waltz, Swing, you name it, I will learn it!)
Possibly attending Castorville Artichoke Festival (yes, I fucking love artichokes!)
Possible road trip to Vegas
Possible trip to Pennsylvania
Possible road trip to small not yet decided town in Texas
Possible trip to Washington to see Grizzly Bear and Radiohead play
Lots of gardening
Finishing my internship at JB Marketing with design
Finishing most credits for my journalism degree
Possibly getting back into stained glass making (if paychecks allow)
Crocheting bags (and ties)
Band practice in a small folk band with my cello
Giving swim lessons either at Pyramid Lake or Lake Tahoe
Lots of picnic time
Lots of camping
Lots of backpacking
Apples to Apples
New movies in the theater
Wine and cheese nights at the river
Co-op house softball games!
4th of July fireworks, sparklers, and non-meat BBQs
Bike tour in late July with Carolyn, Carlos, Andrew, and maybe others, starting in Eugene Oregon, and coasting the 101 to the Redwood Forest in California while stopping to play in the ocean, wander through forests, and visit organic farms all the while.
Lots and lots of N.T.B.R.ing in between it all
Lots and lots of time with my dearest friends who I have missed so much because of school controlling my life
and finally
Going back to the good ol' boy hair cut to assist with busy schedule

This summer, shall own all other summers. 
fuck. yeah.


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truth be told [Jun. 19th, 2008|10:03 pm]
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

it takes a lot to love and let love. a person may usually think that they are the only one taking a risk when it comes to love, but as they say, it takes two. let me assure you that I have let you win me over completely long ago, which to me is one of the biggest risks of all, but I did so without question in the end; in observation of all said and done, and for such reasons only assumed you had done the same for me. 

That is why it only makes things harder for me when out of nowhere, and at what I thought was the height of our relationship, you try to push me away in predicting a future unknown. 

I was yes, upset, in learning of such fear on your part because as stated, everything you have ever said or done has suggested otherwise. every kiss, embrace, unexpected meeting, inquiry and promise, hell, even at the most boring of times in class, there is love there. I know there is, and you know it too, and in noting this, I am a resilient bastard and am sticking to it.

Do you not realize that it is scary for everyone? to leave yourself vulnerable to the unknown? especially when completely in love with another? Yes, it is scary, and yes, we do not ever really know what will come of the days to follow, but why should we let such pondering keep us from being as happy as we are now? 

My mother had explained this all to me once in similarly being upset but instead over minor letdowns. in deciding as most young people do to take the "never again" approach, I was told that I would get nowhere fast without trying, in being afraid to take risks due to the possibility of failure. everyone needs to take those chances, and run the risk of failure, because as she said, "maybe, just maybe, at some point you will come to do things right."

Not everything in life is automatic failure, and believe me, most times for people like us with our kind of luck, it may seem to be that way considering the difficult times we have faced before in our own separate pasts. take this into account though, to have such a positive outlook on us and all that we share, coming from someone usually as cynical as I can be, let's just say I have put all my chips in this time which is something I have never let happen before. I am that confident in us, and I know you are too, but still sometimes I know you can worry. so please, don’t give up on me now.

Not all relationships are lies, and excuses for someone to have a person to hold and make them feel less lonely when they come home at night. I spent the majority of my life in solitude from even my own family. I need no one to find reasons to live and enjoy all that life has to offer. I have always had plans for myself and my future regardless. I too spent the majority of my life amidst such false relationships and for this reason similarly shunned relationships for being so. I never in a million years sincerely believed I would let myself be close to anyone, let alone as close as I have let myself come to be with you. We share a similar understanding on this and more, so why then would you think otherwise of me?

I would like to believe that this time we may have started something great, or as my mom would say, are at that point when things can be right. 

as I told you that night, anytime I hug, hold, am near, or even speak with another, I see myself as emoting all that I feel for that person directly to them. you know and feel all the love I have for you. I know you do. believe it or not, I sense the same of you, and know you feel all that love for me too. these are among the few things that we cannot hide. so please, do not be afraid of such things when I had abandoned the oldest and most similar of fears so long ago. 

I will always be here for you. 

don't give up on me now.

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simply enough [Jun. 2nd, 2008|10:33 pm]
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]

I feel as if I have been jipped and I think this is what bothers me most lately. there. I have said it. jipped.

everyone I know and love happen to have all moved into the same great house, yet here I am, still stuck in the usual shitty roommate predicament. 

maybe I really should just invest in an apartment to myself. I am a lonely person, so maybe it is just best that I remain alone living space wise. 

ironically enough however, I miss the feeling of closeness with others. I don't seem to feel that much more at all anymore, and it's awful. where did everyone go? 

I feel very close to Andrew, but I can understand not living together just yet... we have been through enough with that when it comes to relationships, so I really do understand. I just wish I would not have to feel so alone. somehow it is as if with him moving in with everyone else I love, into the same place, I find myself feeling even more alone somehow. If I were him, I would never want to leave that house.  I don't want to have to feel like an intruder when I visit there though because I can easily see myself wanting to be there a lot as well when as I have said everyone I know and love is there, but, I can't live there too. and why? I have a cat. they are all allergic to cats.

all I want  is to just be there gardening, and cooking, and playing music too. I don’t care what anyone thinks, this all would just be such a dream come true to me, but it will never happen unfortunately.

either way, I guess I am over it, although clearly I am not over it at all.

one day I can live in a place where I am happy to be living.

one day...

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